The Whispering

I've heard the whispers

I've felt the questions

As I place my hands over my face and eyes I focus with my mind. I've overridden these feelings my whole life. I learned different ways to quiet the whispers. I've justified every choice, every movement based on what I was taught or knowing what others would think of my choices. Why did it always feel like I was on display? Why did I always feel like I needed a solid reason to defend every choice, every movement, every choice I've made. And if every choice was safe and correct, why do these whispers continue to ask me why I'm making that choice? Why do I feel off and unhappy? If I'm doing the "right" thing shouldn't life feel "right"?

I've learned that I am too emotional, not able to control my feelings so I take a pill.

I've learned that listening to the doubts about my religion and cultural traditions is isolating so I have a drink.

I've learned that stepping outside of my taught beliefs leads to being judged and condemned so I stay in the box.

But what if…

What if this is not the first time, perhaps even first life, that I've dealt with all of this.

What if I've been burned before.

What if I've been conditioned to draw inside the lines so I would not endure the pain, the heartbreak, the isolation, the fear and the torment of being different. Being unique. Being who I truly am.

Perhaps this discomfort is not being able to breathe.

Perhaps all of the people around me do not know what is best for me. Perhaps they do not know me at all.

Do I even know myself?

I may not but I know I'm stifled. I know something is wrong here. I know I do not belong in this box, in these lines and boundaries.

Yes, it hurts to be judged and mocked.

Yes, it is difficult to watch as the life you've created falls apart.

Yet, as those walls come crumbling in, all around I notice the sky. Now I can see the trees. Suddenly I am alone, yes, but I'm in my element. I can hear my own thoughts. My heart speaks louder, it no longer sounds like a whisper. My feelings rush forward like a dam breaking free.

I can feel the shift, the guidance that was always there. The love, the truth, my truth of who I am. My strength. What I have endured and how I can flourish. Only I know this path, only I know the way. Others were giving me guidance for a way they could never know. A life they could not understand or a soul they do not comprehend.

No wonder I was lost and suffocating.

It makes sense now.

I was quieting my strength, dimming my light, to be something else. Something I could never be.

Throughout this experience I have flown to the heights and sunk to the depths.

I have lost myself and found myself over and over again.

Now I am here, in this moment feeling more than any person should need to feel. Somewhere between laughing and crying. Pleasure and pain. Confusion and clarity.

I am grateful.

I am so very grateful.

I am able to continue. I am able to appreciate every single experience. I am able to thank those that loved me and those that most would never forgive.

Perhaps I am a phoenix, able to rise from those ashes after being burned down time and time again. Perhaps my soul is unbreakable, continuing to whisper even after being silenced over and over.

Perhaps we all are.