Raising "Our" Children

"I would never want to get involved with someone with children. Why put myself in a situation where I cannot say anything to the children? Where I am the outsider and they can just go over my head to their 'real' parent."

I remember feeling this way years and years ago. I would not date anyone with children because of the complications I believed were everywhere in a single parent situation. Over a decade later with a marriage, multiple children and a divorce under my belt. Not to mention a plethora of insights into different marriages, I find myself revisiting this idea with a completely new perspective.

Let's begin with the pressure of being a parent. No matter what is going on many of us question our capabilities as a parent. I'm sure that the lucky ones have a partner to stand by them and cheer them on but many do not have that support system or loving person to pick them up when they feel low. This leaves the parent to believe in themselves, which many do not. Oftentimes this belief of guilt creates the "truth" that you are not a good enough parent and leads to overindulging your children. Perhaps trying to make up for whatever you feel you lack in other ways, such as gifts, no rules, accepting or ignoring difficult behavior etc. I bring this up because it happens to many parents but I believe it happens often with single parents. Perhaps it is the guilt of not having the child's other parent in the home, working, or whatever else comes to mind. This imbalance is not solely a single parent characteristic yet it seems to stereotype the group. The reality is, this is a wounding that we hold, often from childhood, that can show up in anyone.

The next challenge that comes to mind is the parent choosing the children over the new partner. I understand this one completely and now find it everywhere. This happens in so many marriages! I did not write that incorrectly. This is not a "single parent" misstep. This happens constantly when raising children. I have witnessed many marriages where one of the parents, oftentimes the mother, seems to always side with the children. This does not seem to matter if the partner is the biological father or not. Perhaps it can be a bit more obvious if they also have an overindulgent issue attached yet, this is a constant situation I have witnessed my entire life.

Why would you want to step into a family that is already connected. How could you become an integral piece of the puzzle when you have not been there from the beginning? Wouldn't you always be a removable piece? This is certainly a valid concern. Why would someone put their love and energy into a situation and people that would kick them out if there was trouble. I believe this again happens in biological families as well but lets focus on the single parent bringing in a partner. Again, we need to look at the people. Is the parent conscious? By that I mean, do they see their own issues? Is this partner coming in looking to fill a void in their life or are they joining a family out of love and a desire to share their life? These basic and primal desires, needs, beliefs and motivations will set the stage for what happens next. If the connections are created based on love, respect and a flow of life then the dynamic of the family will change. The new parent will become a part of the fabric of the family. Without the trauma and pain from previous hurts this new version of the family can grow. I have personally experienced loving a step father more than biological family because that man chose to be my father. He made that choice everyday and showed the true nature of family. Family is not what you are born into, I'm sorry if that is triggering to some. The true nature of family lies in who we choose to love, support and care for in our lives.

Another interesting view is the idea of what kind of parent a person will be. When I was younger I just assumed that once a couple had a child they would transform into parents. I held this idea that the woman would become the mother that created a home, laughed and loved and the father would teach the kids to throw a ball, ride a bike and give wise advice. Perhaps this was from too much TV but it lived in me. I have certainly seen that this is not the case usually. Having children holds a mirror up to ourselves and any unresolved issues we hold. This can certainly lead to a certain amount of chaos and difficulty. Watching someone parent can be eye opening to who they are and what they've overcome and healed.

I would argue that these issues are prevalent in many parents whether they are with the other biological parent or with a new partner. The issue is not that a new person cannot come into a family and become a natural and integral part of that family. The question is about the consciousness of the partners or parents. If you are able to do the inner work of who you are, what traumas you hold, what beliefs and limitations you cling to and find yourself through all of that, you are able to choose a true partner.

A true partner is unique to you yet the feelings of love, passion, respect, expansion, and support are most likely going to be present. If you hold that between each other then you are a team. There is an understanding, a natural flow and a balance that everyone will experience around you both.

Would you want to have a person around your children that you do not respect? If you always side against your partner, why are you "partnered"? This is not only an issue with a single parent looking to bring in a partner or someone deciding if they should join a family. This is an issue across our society. Across our partnerships and across our families. Without healing wounds, prioritizing ourselves and respecting our chosen partners how can we be good parents? How can we have healthy relationships?

I suppose at the end of the day I appreciate the shift in my perspectives and the challenges I have overcome. I no longer see these black and white images like I'm watching an old TV show. I see the colors in life. The amazing ways that they flow and blend. Family was never meant to be one way, anymore than we were meant to see in one color.

Allow yourself to open up to releasing what we "know" and realize that there is no guarantee that following the rules will lead you to happiness. Sometimes it takes a tornado to get you over the rainbow.