Climbing out of the mud

"Well, I hope everything works out for you."

They were nice words but I could feel them pass through me with a chill. I knew she didn't mean them, just as I knew she disagreed with every move I've made for the last three years.

It began when I took a step off of the expected path. I decided to live a different life than the one my family and friends had planned out for me. The way I should live and what I should want in life.

I had done it. I had accomplished every single thing I was taught to accomplish in life and I felt shallow, empty and sad. I was not living for myself, I was living for them. Walking behind them and putting my feet in their footprints. The stranger thing is, I did all of this knowing that not one of these people are happy. Not one of them is enjoying, thriving or feeling fulfilled. No, I am not secretly judging anyone, they would all tell you of how miserable they are after a couple glasses of wine sitting in the beautiful home they wallow in. Seems like a silly complaint doesn't it? You have so much, what else could you expect from life?

I believe life has much more for each of us. We often begin by finding our stability. Some never do this, they live an entire life trying to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Some find a roof and food but instead of growing to another level they continuously look for a larger roof with more expensive food. Again, not a judgement but a losing battle. If you are always looking for more of something that can consume you indefinitely.

I had stepped off of my designated path. Ended my marriage. Left my religion. Left my community. Began raising my children differently. Eating different food. Loving new relationships and leaving behind an entire life that I was taught was the only way to live.

My old relationships began to fade away the moment I made my first choice, took that first step away from all that I had known. The questions and comments flooded me, "what will you do? What about the children? You're not getting any younger. Life is hard. You'll be alone! What would your grandparents say?"

I could hear their own fear and doubt. These words that slid off their tongues probably echoed in their own heads over the years. Yes, it is scary to step into the unknown yet I knew I could not live that life any longer. It was killing me and I was hollowing out trying to be something I am not.

This has been tough in so many ways. Most of the people that claimed to love me could not continue our relationship any longer, they faded away. I started realizing how much of that life did not resonate with me any longer down to almost every belief. I've had more difficult conversations with myself than I can count yet, here I am. Having this conversation. Telling someone I loved and looked up to that I am going to live my life a completely different way, knowing that she will not understand and will even be sickened by my choices.

The funny thing is, I am no longer worried about her opinion. I no longer hurt when I hear the comments and feel the judgement. I am brought to an understanding that most people cannot understand choices that they did not make or perhaps didn't think they had the strength to do. I know that may sound egotistical yet I have felt it so many times over the years that it feels true. Someone who has justified staying in a painful marriage cannot understand divorce. Someone who has always bowed down to peer pressure cannot understand standing up to the crowd.

Once we think we know the answers we close ourselves off to our own possibilities.

It is my time to try something new. To walk through the mud and muck to find my way. I realize that I have lost so much yet I also realize that I have gained so much more. I am grateful for all of the pressure and judgement. I am grateful to have completely given in to what other people wanted from me. I am grateful for every hurt because it showed me how I can heal. It showed me my true strength, my passion, my true self. I can say that I was completely submerged and I was able, on my own, to claw my way out. To learn from everything and open my eyes to my truth. I was finally able to find what I have always been looking for. The love, support and guidance from the only person who can show me the way. Myself.